Helping My Unbelief

When this journey began a few months ago, I remember sitting across from a beautiful friend and pouring my heart out. In the midst of those snotty tears, I told her I knew the other side of this was the Lord glorified and me made stronger in Him.

I told her that. That was my stock line. I repeated it to several people.

But I didn't believe it. I didn't think I would ever be one of those people.

The night this journey began, I remember laying in the hotel room floor crying out to the Lord, begging Him to be real to me.

But I didn't believe He would be.

I've spent the past 24 hours packing up my apartment. The dishes, the clothes, the books (oh good gracious all the books) were, I thought, going to be horrible reminders. On the 10 hour drive back to my apartment on Thursday, I asked the Lord to shield my heart from the boxes.

But I didn't see how He would.

Standing (well, sitting) here now, I can absolutely attest to Him making me stronger, being real to me, and shielding my heart. He has never been more to me than He is now. I cried out last night in thanks- I have never been more in love with my Savior.

As I crossed the last thing off my list from yesterday (pack Christmas stuff. That's right, my nativity AND Christmas wreath were still displayed in my apartment!), I stood in awe of the way the Lord has picked me up and taught me to dance with Him.

For the first time in my life, I feel inadequate to praise Him. If only I could paint beautiful masterpieces, or sing in such a way that turned ears and hearts toward Him, but I'm me- clumsy, inartistic, and not the best singer. So I continue to do what I know to do. I write into the unknown about the grace and love of the one who has laid a claim to my heart. Not good enough, I know, but it's all I have.

I remember praying to laugh again. These past few days, I've done nothing but laugh. The ways He is answering my prayers continue to draw me into Him. And I don't ever want to leave.

That, I believe.