I Did a Dumb Thing Today

I looked through my emails.

I know, I know, I shouldn't have done that. But I did.

Just a week before all this happened, one week, there were the sweetest emails. They were funny and kind and telling my how much I was loved.

We had this inside joke about being undecided about the other person. It was our way of talking about marriage without freaking each other out. And then when talking about marriage didn't scare us so much, the joke stayed. Any time a request was to be made, it usually started or ended with "I mean, I know you're still undecided and all."

It always made me smile and laugh and giggle.

Now it mocks me. Gmail has proof he once once loved me. That we had been set apart for each other.

I know those emails weren't lies. Despite the last three weeks, he really used to be a very honest and kind man.

But now he is undecided.

And that doesn't make me giggle at all.