We Have a Choice

Consider this your warning. If you don't want to read a post heavily influenced by my faith, stop now!

Forgive my blog absence. It's been a heavy couple of days starting with a retreat with the Dominican Sisters of St.Cecilia's where the Lord showed up and completely moved in my heart. In the middle, my Mom had surgery - an important reminder of life expanding as a whisper. And ending with this very hard realization:

I am not blameless.

I. Am. Not. Blameless.

It's been a month. And still, whenever people hear the story, they always say that something doesn't make sense, doesn't add up, that a part of this is missing.

In the past few days the Lord has shown me what part of this story is missing- my actions.

At the retreat last weekend, one of the beautiful sisters spoke about the call we as women (sorry if by chance any men read this!) have with the relationships in our lives. We can act like Mary, showing love, grace, humbleness and choosing to make holiness our first thoughts towards others. Or we can live like Eve. We can complain, seek our own way, think of our needs first, and cause division in our relationships.

It took three weeks and countless tears to realize I spent the last month of our relationship acting more and more like Eve.

After a year and a half of loving him, praying for him, laughing with him, and resting in his kindness, I threw all of that away. We didn't fight. We never learned how.

1338 miles and a great schism came between us.

Silence. Instead of love, I gave him silence. Instead of patience, silence. Instead of prayerful words that could have healed the small fracture in our relationship, I gave him bitter silence.

Eve would have been proud.

Please hear my heart, please don't hear my words and think me a doormat. That is truly not the case. We both made mistakes. Mistakes that wounded me at the core.

Of my choice however, I am heartsick. Each day we make choices. My persistent choice those last couple of days to place my sinfulness above the Lord's call to holiness causes me great sorrow. And I continue to pray, as the Lord forgives my horrible deeds and makes me to grow more like himself and his mother, Psalm 119:175 Let my soul live that I may praise you.

Lord, let this relationship that you ordained and set apart, this relationship that your two children royally screwed up, let this relationship live if for no other reason than to bring you praise. And if your answer is no, Lord let me still praise you.